In bits and parts....

And with that it all ended. Now that I look back, I realise how I have changed over the years. The last time I checked I was 22. Today, I am 26 and the receding waves have only shoved me back to where I had started from. Yes, the journey has been rough. And though I tried to hold on to you....the big surge took you away. Sometimes I wonder.... if my hold could have been tighter....or maybe yours...

And then we moved on... For days and nights I prayed silently, prayed in vain for you...for us. This time, however, it was no shocker. It was acknowledging the fact that I failed. And for everything you said, I had a deja vu. How years back I did the same to him notwithstanding the fact that what it must have done to him. But have I not been punished enough for it already? Or is it that am running after a mirage, a reality that never existed.

For every time I think about the good times together and the promises we made, my eyes turn moist. For days I have been wanting to put down my thoughts but feared that I may crumble again into bits and parts, and composing myself again and again is cumbersome. Every time I lose a part or two when I do that. And now am all broken and bruised.

For every movie we have seen together, for every dream of togetherness we have woven, for all those intimate moments when you kissed my forehead and promised a life together, for all those moments you have made me happy...I will always be thankful to you. And for all those broken promises and all those pain and sufferings....I don't blame you...

 Coz... I love you...

On one such evening....

It was an arduous day. I gave it my best shot and got what I deserved... or so I think. And just like the setting sun, it was time for me to retreat from the gory battleground, the stench of which clogged my lungs and made me feel nauseated.
For some unknown reasons, I took the longer way to home. The street lights that adorned the pathway looked brighter than usual, the sound of conch shell echoed in the air. The soft breeze brushed past my face. I felt good. I felt sorted.

On one such evening, I remember, I told you how I like taking a stroll by the moonlight hand-in-hand with you. Settling on the park bench by the road side.... on one such evening, I remember relishing candy floss with you.
I turned back to take a glimpse at the row of benches in the park. Some occupied... some empty.

That one particular bench looked shabby and lonely. The tiles have discoloured with time. The edges have worn out. I could almost sense that it was calling out my name. I hesitated but couldn’t resist walking towards it. It was like a reunion of two long lost friends. I wished I could hug my mate and stroke its back gently out of affection. Nonetheless, I sat on it resting my back against it.

Memories flashed by. On one such evening, when I scored low and dreaded going home, you soothed me with ice creams and consoling words. And of course, I do remember feeding you the leftovers from my tiffin box just because you gave away yours to some ill-fed urchin. The park bench has witnessed it all. We have all come a long way since then... I said to myself.

My phone beeped. It was time for me to leave. I dint want to part from my friend but the incessant beeps on my cell phone reminded me that it was time to move on....
As I crossed the busy lane, I turned back to take a look at the park bench one last time. A young couple has just settled on it. Time replaced you and me with them, I thought. Its time to move on, I reminded myself once again...

Yet again.....

It was 2.30 in the morning.....Half the world was asleep....the weather was humid and sticky...The street-dogs were howling and groaning.. Seemed like they too wanted to blurt out their share of grievances....The clock ticked....It was 2.35...I was trying hard to forget all what happened...but ended up sulking again....

True what u have said is justified....yet it was difficult to gulp it down....difficult is not the right word though....i do not have a proper word to describe it..It pained....yet again! I closed my eyes...random thoughts passed my mind...and then again....your words played in my ears. could hear it distinctly....

It was as if i was getting drowned into the colourless ocean of pain....I dint know how to swim...The water entered through my nostrils, my ears, my eyes....It choked me...i dint want to hit the bottom...but was too frail and weak to resist death. I could not breathe...I couldn't scream....I turned cold

That is how life would be without you....I said to myself! But then....Never have i been able to change destiny!Nor will I ever be able to....There were moments of silence after you said it...and in those few moments those horrendous memories flashed by. memories i have left behind. I felt crippled.

This time i tried diverting my thoughts...How plain and innocent was my childhood! How i wished I was still a school girl in a frock playing around in my garden....picking flowers for the morning puja. How would it have been had i met you then? I smiled.....in few seconds,the smile vanished I was stunned at the realisation that dawned on me....It was difficult to cut you out from any and every thought of mine. Scary!

Final Call....

The blue liquid went down my throat ….down to my heart and to my coiled intestines. The taste was intoxicating. Gradually, it got mixed in my blood…. I could see my veins turning purple, tears flowed down my eyes….but there was no pain within……My senses were turning numb…… I lied down and gazed at the sky above. The breeze was cool and light…..every time it touched my bosom…..I could feel life parting from me in installments…..The stars above looked bigger and brighter……n then my vision blurred……

A while later when I opened my eyes……I could still see the stars, the radiant moon….and I could see you…..afar…..walking away from me…..I tried to raise my hand and call out……Stop! Do not leave me alone….but my hands ceased…..my voice choked…I lied down motionless…. saline water running down my eyes. But, you halted, you looked back perplexed….I was there on the floor……I wish you saw me....

For the first time I could feel a wrenching pain in my heart. I knew the poison was taking effect. As you turned your back to take your leave, my lips parted…..for the last time I called out your name ….the pain was growing bitter and throbbing…..I knew it was my swan song….my final word…..from far someone seemed to call out my name….Was it you or was it Thanatos? I took a long breath….and closed my eyes….

The darker side of me

As I see the dark mushroom clouds disperse to unfurl the glowing ball of fire, a mystical thought engulfs my mind. The human mind poses strange and weird questions to the heart, the answer to which are nowhere to be found. My mind wanders to unfathomable domains to unfold the mystery that lies in my heart and the discovery that I make bewilders me all the more.

They say, every human heart has a dark side…..the side that we try not to reveal in ordinary circumstances. But then, it is there deep within us and surfaces itself only when the standard level of tolerance and patience is exceeded. However, the reactions and manifestations of the shock or soreness vary from one person to another. In my case, it’s perilous.

The tempestuous sea of emotions within me is capable of massive destruction, the thought of which freezes my blood. It can topple my world and leave me feeling numb. I haven’t seen it surface much and hence I wasn’t aware of the devil that rests deep within my heart and soul. It takes me out of my mind; it spreads all over my body and leaves me feral, untamed. End of it all, it leaves me scarred, bleeding and wounded.

The struggle continues within. They say, good always takes over evil. They say after darkness comes light. My conscience is putting up a tough fight against my fiend. The innate goodness is trying to take over malevolence and vice. I hope I can put my fiend to rest forever.

If only things never went out of hand…..If only life was not this harsh….If only my fiend never awoke….I wish….I wish….

I am speechless....I am dead.... You killed me

- Romi

As the curtains fell after the end of the scene, I knew it was time to leave the stage. The last scene was gory. I lay down on the floor…. bloodied, injured, cold and dead. The stage lights went off, I could hear the actors hurrying around, changing attire, applying makeup and rehearsing lines. There was hustle and bustle all around. I was in no hurry though…..

I have played my part. My role is over. I could hear applauds and whistles during my last scene. Truly speaking, I gave my best to it. When all others were busy preparing for the next scene, I sat silently in a corner and watched everyone. On my right stood some of my fellow actors…..they played the role of my family members. To my left stood some more co-actors, they were also related to me in some or the other way in the play --- friends, colleagues and associates and just opposite me stood my reel-life romance. He was engrossed in his script while the crew was giving final touches to his make-up. they were all busy, rehearsing lines that they would have to say in my funeral. Yes, I was dead…..or rather my part was over.

No, I am not sad. I have done my bit. True, I could have done it better. Maybe next time (next life). It was time for me to leave the stage as the director was about to call for action. The next scene was to begin.. I turned and stepped out and never looked back. The curtains were drawn up. I could hear the audience cheer. The sound faded. I retired to my rest room.

A new morning! A new sunshine!

-->

As I woke up in the morning and was about to step down my bed after a peaceful night’s sleep, a soft breeze brushed against my hair and few strands blinded my vision. I pulled them back and tied them in a bun. I opened my eyes wide and looked out the bedside window. The fat motes danced in the golden sun rays that fell on my body and accentuated my edges, thus making me glow.

I took a deep breath and let the rays penetrate me and touch my soul. It attenuated my heart and I felt one with the glowing sun up above there. I know not why my heart burnt though I could feel its warmth spreading all over my body. Was it burning down the bitterness that sores my heart each day or was it setting my passions ablaze?

They say a new morning brings in new hopes, new dreams….. I wish it was true. A small bird perched on my sunshade. I could hear it screeching and calling out for its dear one. The two frail trees that adorned the pathway down the lane seem to sway and kiss each other good morning. It was a lovely sight. I longed for a morning kiss, I wish I got one.

As the clock struck eight, I knew it was time for me to begin my day's journey. I wish I could sit all day long by the window side. I poured a cup of coffee for myself and squirmed and thanked God for a lovely morning in silent prayers.

Do I know myself?

After a long and tiresome week, I finally got a Sunday to sit back and relax, go through the pages of the newspapers idly, relish the morning breakfast after waking up late in the morning. Yes, it was Sunday! Scheduled for the day, was a friend's meet at one of my favorite hangouts.....I was happy. I'd be meeting them after quite sometime. In between, a hell lot of things have changed...so much to discuss, so much to share..... Finally we met, we went yapping all afternoon. It was good, it was fun. I missed being with them.....but then something else was missing as well.

I missed being myself. I realized, I have changed. They were all the same. Their likes, dislikes, values, opinions were just as mine.....but then not any more. With time, my idealism have undergone a sea change. The way I look at things, the way i speak, the way i think.....they are no more the same. I guess city life has changed me. I miss being being on the countryside at time....that's were I grew up...that's where I have shed my skin of innocence and stepped into a world so harsh and crude.

I wonder if I am the only one who has changed! I wonder, is the change for good! The people I deal with in my daily life are so very different from them. Amidst busy life, manipulative people and wilderness, I am losing myself. A part of me tells me not to go with the flow blindly, the other half calls me despicable and blindfolds me and I lose myself in the flow dazed and hypnotized. The former part loses, the later wins.

Then, when I meet my old friends, the ones I grew up with, i get to revisit my past. I get to realize that the simple, innocent school girl who was particular about her morals and principles is still there in me....weak and feeble.....and wants to surface itself....But not everyday is a Sunday! I try and suppress her and feel bad about it but I am helpless....

Another Monday.... another week of work, expectations, struggle and hardships.....Time to get back to work!

It hurts....

How does it feel like when the person you love the most gives you a cold shoulder? It bleeds.... You try hard to cope with it and move on in life. Every time you try not to think about it, you end up sulking and wondering what things otherwise could have been. However desperately you try, you fail.....the pain spreads on all over your body and cripples you. Sometime it even chokes you.

I feel numb, these days. Looking back, I wonder why did I land up in something like this. Where did things go wrong! I know, I would never get an answer to those endless questions that run in my mind all day long. When I go through the old pages of my life book, I often come across a smiling girl, a chirpy one, full of life who loves to live her life on her own terms. Nothing bogs her down except Maths exam. I realize its me.....lost in the ushers of time.

How long does it take to adjust to the reality! Did i deserve this? Maybe, I did. Maybe I am paying for the sins that I have committed. Maybe someone else is also scribbling something like this on a rough page or a blog and I am to be held responsible for it. I do not know. How long will I have to pay for my sins?

I wish I could have done away with all those small expectations and hopes that I had from life. I wish....with a sigh! Would I ever meet happiness again? Would life ever take a different course from here? I am yet to hear from.....

Vision....

As i look out the window from the fourth floor of Express towers, a warm breeze brushes against my face and the first thing that meets my eye is a congested road down the building. The fast moving cars, the traffic signals, some pedestrians, the hungry stray dogs and the half-fed urchins, all in motion. As the signal turns red, i can see the agitation in the eyes of the drivers; maybe because they are in a hurry to reach destination, maybe because the burning heat makes them go red just like the signal or maybe because every time they halt at a signal,street urchins come running with long arms to beg for alms. Whatever might be the reason, the color of the congested road is Red. I see it so. The youngsters just out of a hep coffee shop down the street does not wait for the signal to turn red though, they try and cross the road with little tact and a lot of energy. They have no time to wait. You can get to see the redness in their eyes as well. Their warm red blood is charged with vigor and verve and it reflects on their eyes. A couple standing at one corner of the coffee shop seems to be the only exception in this whole commotion. I can see the girl smiling as the guy removes a strand of hair from our forehead......Once more the colour that i see is red, the color of passion, love.....

As i lift my gaze to the tall buildings and lush trees at a distance, the color changes.....This time its Green....but i wonder; is it the color of growth and regeneration or the color of envy! Every building seems to show itself off in the midst of concrete. The lush green trees in between are a relief though..... but then again, they are fast fading as more number of concrete giants are leaping up everyday. As a small bird takes its flight towards the empty blue sky above, I lift my gaze further.

The bird flutters its wings and disappears in Blue, the color of wisdom, depth and stability. Every time a white cloud floats by, it unfurls blue. The color soothes my soul and reminds me of the famous quote; “In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.”