Losing a loved one

When I sat next to my four-year-old nephew to explain death, I knew not where to begin from. It took me some time to gather myself before I could get on with it. Nevertheless, it was important. None of us would get to see the grand old man again, including him, and for one last time I wanted him to touch dadu's feet or bid him goodbye, if I can put it that way.

But for obvious reasons, he looked at me with disbelief at first! Where is God's abode and how far is it from our place, he asked me. I wish I knew all that.

Distinct memories of the day will remain etched in the memory forever. "He has been suffering for long, good for him he won't have to put up with pain and discomfort any longer," Maa said even as tears rolled down her cheeks. My grandma spoke little. For years, I have seen the couple weathering odds even as they engaged in regular altercations. My uncles tried their best to hold themselves together but I could still see them wiping their glasses on several occasions.

Dadu was loved by one and all and at 93, he was probably the eldest one in the neighbourhood. Needless to say, people poured in as soon as the news spread.

I didn't know how to react at first. I was restless, trying to keep myself busy with little chores like fetching money from the bank for his last rites and buying medicines for my aggrieved-and-ailing family members. In between, however, I took time to sit by Dadu stroking his benumbed hands. I tried hard to control my emotions but the thought that he would no longer wake up from the slumber to ask about my next newspaper article was too hard to come to terms with. I too broke down.

As he set on his final journey, I held him tight one last time. Much was left unsaid. And even though I shrug off stories about life after death and spirits, for once I wished they were real. I wished he could be there by me in whatever form he chooses to.

Hopes refuse to die

It still affects me, mom. I lied. It still does. Because I still can't get used to it. Hopes, maa, they refuse to die. And even after so much, I still hope for a better tomorrow. I do not know, how much more I will have to put up with, but am trying, maa... trying to do away with the expectations that I have from life, trust me. Every single day, I make efforts to convince myself that it's all over, but hopes refuse to die

Why, maa? why does it have to be this way always? why can't things change for better? Know what, I am writing this after long. Not because, I don't have time, not because I am short of words, just that I am too tired of venting out my feelings here. I was waiting to post a happy incident or two but the wait has been too long. So, yeah! here I am with my endless rants!

Have I really done something to deserve this? Why can't I move on, like others do! You know, maa...even if happiness comes and knocks my door now, I might not recognize it or even if I do, I wonder if it would still hold any significance. Don't remember the last time I have had a goodnight's sleep.
Do u still pray, maa? I don't.

I have been walking through this dark tunnel braving the chills and the heat for too long now. I am tired, maa. I still don't see any light at the end of it. Forgive me, if i give up midway. I do not wish to disappoint you. but I know not, how far can I go. 

And with that another day ends. Right now it is 1.06 am in the morning, and I am still at office waiting for my cab to take me home. It was an usual day for me. Like any other day, I woke up late, had my breakfast after much coaxing by Maa and spent half the morning in idle pursuits, scolding myself for not churning out anything constructive, and at the same time making a promise of trying  something meaningful the very next day!!

Unlike most of you, my office hours start in the evening. No, I don't work for a BPO. I am a subeditor with the Times Of India. It was difficult dragging myself to the office today, like most other days. And once I was in, I was told about the pile of work that I will have to take care of! When in college, we were told that ours is a thankless job. We are the unsung heroes of the press! Well, now I know what it means!

 I dread seeing myself in the mirror at the end of the day. My hairstyle has gone awry and my eyes must have sunk in deep sockets. Anyway, what bothers me most at this hour is that I have wasted another day! There is nothing that I have done today that makes me feel good except drafting this blog post.

Realisations....

And then one fine day, I realised that I have grown up... Yes, I am a grown-up girl now, more mature, experienced, calmer than before. Looking back, I wonder how puerile I have been...

To start with, I don't shed tears watching emotional flicks anymore. I don't crib when I miss my favourite TV programme or skip a heart beat when my favourite actor appears on the screen... On a second thought, do I have a favourite TV programme anymore? Guess not!

Now that I think of it.... I don't even fiddle with my cellphone every five minutes, unlike what it used to be 2 years ago. I don't wait for the screen to blink with your name on it. I try and accept things the way they are...or so I think!

I can spend hours with myself! Me, myself and.... my books, laptop, albums and diary. I can go for a walk all by myself! Knowing me, it all seems so new, so different... It helps me connect with my inner self. Can't really deny that it makes me feel lonely at times..... but someone rightly told me once that if you befriend loneliness it wont scare you anymore.

Having said that, growing up has its flip sides too... You don't really fall asleep instantly as soon as u hit the bed unless u r dog-tired. I stay up for hours worrying about how to clear the mess that bothers me, sometimes even chokes me....I know I will get used to the feeling in sometime. Cant really skip office work just because I don't feel like. Digging into chocolates and ice-creams without putting on unwanted pounds seems to be a far-fetched dream now.

Given a time machine, I would not like to avail it any longer... I am not anxious anymore.. Not that I am completely at peace with my present but still trying to take life as it comes with its surprises and shocks. Don't really know if tomorrow will be a brighter day but can't really stop hoping for better....

One more step ahead...

I chose to walk down the middle path
Laced by green fields on both the sides
As I let down my hair
I felt alive again.

The fear has finally died down
There is nothing to lose anymore
I can breathe in absolute peace now
My heart feels light and young again

I may not know what lies ahead

But the worst is over, I think
The wound might never heal, its true
but it would serve a purpose for sure

This time I wont trip and fall
As I have just learned to fly
This time I would touch the clouds
And don't need you by my my side

In bits and parts....

And with that it all ended. Now that I look back, I realise how I have changed over the years. The last time I checked I was 22. Today, I am 26 and the receding waves have only shoved me back to where I had started from. Yes, the journey has been rough. And though I tried to hold on to you....the big surge took you away. Sometimes I wonder.... if my hold could have been tighter....or maybe yours...

And then we moved on... For days and nights I prayed silently, prayed in vain for you...for us. This time, however, it was no shocker. It was acknowledging the fact that I failed. And for everything you said, I had a deja vu. How years back I did the same to him notwithstanding the fact that what it must have done to him. But have I not been punished enough for it already? Or is it that am running after a mirage, a reality that never existed.

For every time I think about the good times together and the promises we made, my eyes turn moist. For days I have been wanting to put down my thoughts but feared that I may crumble again into bits and parts, and composing myself again and again is cumbersome. Every time I lose a part or two when I do that. And now am all broken and bruised.

For every movie we have seen together, for every dream of togetherness we have woven, for all those intimate moments when you kissed my forehead and promised a life together, for all those moments you have made me happy...I will always be thankful to you. And for all those broken promises and all those pain and sufferings....I don't blame you...

 Coz... I love you...

On one such evening....

It was an arduous day. I gave it my best shot and got what I deserved... or so I think. And just like the setting sun, it was time for me to retreat from the gory battleground, the stench of which clogged my lungs and made me feel nauseated.
For some unknown reasons, I took the longer way to home. The street lights that adorned the pathway looked brighter than usual, the sound of conch shell echoed in the air. The soft breeze brushed past my face. I felt good. I felt sorted.

On one such evening, I remember, I told you how I like taking a stroll by the moonlight hand-in-hand with you. Settling on the park bench by the road side.... on one such evening, I remember relishing candy floss with you.
I turned back to take a glimpse at the row of benches in the park. Some occupied... some empty.

That one particular bench looked shabby and lonely. The tiles have discoloured with time. The edges have worn out. I could almost sense that it was calling out my name. I hesitated but couldn’t resist walking towards it. It was like a reunion of two long lost friends. I wished I could hug my mate and stroke its back gently out of affection. Nonetheless, I sat on it resting my back against it.

Memories flashed by. On one such evening, when I scored low and dreaded going home, you soothed me with ice creams and consoling words. And of course, I do remember feeding you the leftovers from my tiffin box just because you gave away yours to some ill-fed urchin. The park bench has witnessed it all. We have all come a long way since then... I said to myself.

My phone beeped. It was time for me to leave. I dint want to part from my friend but the incessant beeps on my cell phone reminded me that it was time to move on....
As I crossed the busy lane, I turned back to take a look at the park bench one last time. A young couple has just settled on it. Time replaced you and me with them, I thought. Its time to move on, I reminded myself once again...

Yet again.....

It was 2.30 in the morning.....Half the world was asleep....the weather was humid and sticky...The street-dogs were howling and groaning.. Seemed like they too wanted to blurt out their share of grievances....The clock ticked....It was 2.35...I was trying hard to forget all what happened...but ended up sulking again....

True what u have said is justified....yet it was difficult to gulp it down....difficult is not the right word though....i do not have a proper word to describe it..It pained....yet again! I closed my eyes...random thoughts passed my mind...and then again....your words played in my ears. could hear it distinctly....

It was as if i was getting drowned into the colourless ocean of pain....I dint know how to swim...The water entered through my nostrils, my ears, my eyes....It choked me...i dint want to hit the bottom...but was too frail and weak to resist death. I could not breathe...I couldn't scream....I turned cold

That is how life would be without you....I said to myself! But then....Never have i been able to change destiny!Nor will I ever be able to....There were moments of silence after you said it...and in those few moments those horrendous memories flashed by. memories i have left behind. I felt crippled.

This time i tried diverting my thoughts...How plain and innocent was my childhood! How i wished I was still a school girl in a frock playing around in my garden....picking flowers for the morning puja. How would it have been had i met you then? I smiled.....in few seconds,the smile vanished I was stunned at the realisation that dawned on me....It was difficult to cut you out from any and every thought of mine. Scary!

Final Call....

The blue liquid went down my throat ….down to my heart and to my coiled intestines. The taste was intoxicating. Gradually, it got mixed in my blood…. I could see my veins turning purple, tears flowed down my eyes….but there was no pain within……My senses were turning numb…… I lied down and gazed at the sky above. The breeze was cool and light…..every time it touched my bosom…..I could feel life parting from me in installments…..The stars above looked bigger and brighter……n then my vision blurred……

A while later when I opened my eyes……I could still see the stars, the radiant moon….and I could see you…..afar…..walking away from me…..I tried to raise my hand and call out……Stop! Do not leave me alone….but my hands ceased…..my voice choked…I lied down motionless…. saline water running down my eyes. But, you halted, you looked back perplexed….I was there on the floor……I wish you saw me....

For the first time I could feel a wrenching pain in my heart. I knew the poison was taking effect. As you turned your back to take your leave, my lips parted…..for the last time I called out your name ….the pain was growing bitter and throbbing…..I knew it was my swan song….my final word…..from far someone seemed to call out my name….Was it you or was it Thanatos? I took a long breath….and closed my eyes….

The darker side of me

As I see the dark mushroom clouds disperse to unfurl the glowing ball of fire, a mystical thought engulfs my mind. The human mind poses strange and weird questions to the heart, the answer to which are nowhere to be found. My mind wanders to unfathomable domains to unfold the mystery that lies in my heart and the discovery that I make bewilders me all the more.

They say, every human heart has a dark side…..the side that we try not to reveal in ordinary circumstances. But then, it is there deep within us and surfaces itself only when the standard level of tolerance and patience is exceeded. However, the reactions and manifestations of the shock or soreness vary from one person to another. In my case, it’s perilous.

The tempestuous sea of emotions within me is capable of massive destruction, the thought of which freezes my blood. It can topple my world and leave me feeling numb. I haven’t seen it surface much and hence I wasn’t aware of the devil that rests deep within my heart and soul. It takes me out of my mind; it spreads all over my body and leaves me feral, untamed. End of it all, it leaves me scarred, bleeding and wounded.

The struggle continues within. They say, good always takes over evil. They say after darkness comes light. My conscience is putting up a tough fight against my fiend. The innate goodness is trying to take over malevolence and vice. I hope I can put my fiend to rest forever.

If only things never went out of hand…..If only life was not this harsh….If only my fiend never awoke….I wish….I wish….

I am speechless....I am dead.... You killed me

- Romi